Hey Siri, how many calories in a ___?

I think even my phone is getting a bit tired of dieting.  As you guys know, my quarantine was spent entirely on the “My Fitness Pal” app, obsessed with a mission I thought would allow me to finally love myself.  Although it was one motivated by self-hatred, it did its job.

However, now that I’ve started to even LIKE what greets me in the mirror, it’s getting harder and harder to say no to ice cream.  

Let me tell you though, the plateau on top of the mountain is a breath of fresh air and a sigh of relief.  It is the ‘this body ran five miles’ instead of the ‘this body ate 150 calories over’.  It is laughing when it downpours during a walk instead of panicking to find a different way to burn 300 calories.  And it is the recognition that nothing in the world can beat a good scoop of ice cream.

But I’m scared.  It has taken me months to start to undo all of the mental AND physical weight that freshman year came with.  I’m scared to go back.  I’m scared it will all come back.  So, as my mom has always tried to remind me, I have been trying to choose to focus on what I can control while recognizing what I can’t.

I CAN’T control the options for meals in the dining hall.

But…

I CAN control the types of snacks I will keep in my room:

• Carrots
• Fruit
• Cauliflower pretzels
• Flaxseed and whole-grain crackers
• Brownie bark thins
• Microwaveable oatmeal
• Greek yogurt
• Cheerios
• Light English muffins
• PB powder

I CAN’T control friends wanting to eat out or late night GoPuff ice cream orders.

But…

I CAN control both the nutrition of and the amount that I choose to order and eat.

I CAN’T control how my friends spend their weekends.

But…

I CAN control what I partake in.

The art of self-control is delicate and is one I have yet to master, but I think it will be the key to conquering both this semester and those in the future.

So as this summer-like-no-other begins to wind down, I have pieces of advice for myself…

• Understand that perfection will not exist, have compassion for yourself and the mistakes you are guaranteed to make.

• Work hard to maintain the lifestyle you have created; don’t give up, but don’t let it consume you.

• Dream big and see the big picture, remember that your education is ALWAYS your priority.

• Pop the bubble that revolves around you and focus on others – you are not the only one “going through it.”  

• It’s the little things that spread positivity.  Give compliments like Halloween candy and always ALWAYS check in to see how people are doing.

• Though routines can be grounding, make it a point to break and try new things.  Explore and learn to lean into discomfort, for that is how you grow.

• Do not forget to call your grandmother!

I started this blog, hoping that cooking would help me better my relationship with food, but truthfully it was both learning to love food and myself that did the trick.  It is a journey that has morphed into a focus on who I am and who I want to be.

Whenever we enter a new phase of our lives, as we will this Fall, it is so important to pause and reflect.  So this month, I challenge you to a bit of it.

What have you learned over these past few months about yourself? About others? About the world?

What makes you happy now? What do you wish to change?

What are you scared of? What are concrete ways to approach them?

What are the things you want to achieve?  What are some small ways you can start?